Emiliano Mancilla

Ohhh boy what a good decision it was! 

I must say that it took me a little while to adapt, but once I was settled, everything was feeling all right. Out of a sudden I was surrounded by people really good at their craft, but most important by friends who both inspired me with their sharpness and discipline, and fascinated me by their ways to make me laugh and have a good time. I spent the next years immersed in football, music, tennis, jägerbombs and lots and lots of beer. 

About Regina, that was another story, I spent the next three years madly in love with her. Where my lack of courage and my high levels of curiosity led me to be a silent lover, unable to talk to her but competent enough to ask my friends about her and stalk her thoughts mainly on twitter. 

I wanted to be the kind of man she would fall in love, and my bad luck let me know that she was a big fan of a tv series called “Gossip Girl”, and that she was obsessed with a character named “Chuck Bass”, a rich kid always wearing the most expensive clothes, traveling through the world surrounded by luxury. 

Why the rich guy? Why couldn’t she be one of the girls that liked football players or artists? 

I could be Mariano the striker, Mariano the rockstar, but I was not sure if I could be Mariano the Chuck Bass. 

And lord knows I did try with the other characters, you name them. Long hair, short hair, khaki pants and shoes, denim pants and leather converse, I even let my beard grow trying to look more masculine, and I swear, every time I looked at myself in the mirror I thought I looked like a viking, but sooner than later my friends let me know when they put their fingers on their chin to say hi, that I looked like a squalid goat. 

It was funny to notice later that Regina wasn’t the only one looking for a Chuck Bass, as all the pretty girls started to have the same interest, and suddenly, all the boys started using the expensive stuff I couldn’t have. Motherfuckers they were leaving me with no option.

So, as I was in love with my princess, I started to visualize myself in Armani suits and a nice car in order to attract her, but also to fit in the school. Which I suspect, led me to study finance. Wasting five years of my life. 

I remember being so determined, that once I noticed that neither Regina, nor the friends I admired the most, nor the cool guys, stayed to study in the colleague of our little city, I fought against all odds to get a credit and a scholarship to get into one of the most expensive schools in the country, located in the capital. Even though I would have to take a 2 hour bus to get there, I would have less money to spend, and I would feel a little bit more alienated next to much more richer fellas.

Suddenly Regina wasn’t Regina but Felicia, and then Ana Lucia and then Alva Nora and then Karin. But the thing was that I was still not matching the profile that I was supposed to, so my plan was to use my brain and be the best in every important class in order to be so good, that all the banks would crave for me. The sad news were that even though I graduated as top 10, no bank wanted me.

I wish that the girls I was with during that time at least found me handy, because my sense of impotence was on top. What a shitty situation to be with another person you don’t truly want but you think you deserve. For you, but especially for the other person. 

It took me 8 months of unemployment, 9 months working in a bank we made fun of as students, 2 years of depression, 1 year of meditation, 2 months of antidepressants and some travels to other countries to notice that I might had been following the wrong steps. 

I think I mostly noticed it in my second time in Europe, when I worked as a party staff in Budapest and Krakow (that “oh my god!” it surely deserves at least a book). There I got to meet beautiful interesting people. The unforgettable kisses of some angels and the thrills provoked by some demons made me feel that it wasn’t about what I was supposed to be, but what I really was. I just needed my personality, I just needed to be myself. 

A small life of excess led me back to México, I started noticing that in every stage of my life I had a loyal companion called music. No matter where or when, I always ended up with my guitar in my hands writing some songs. I came back to my country curious but not engaged about getting into that world.

Naturally, as I had to get a job to get some money, I ended up as an analyst in a customer experience agency, comically full of people from expensive private schools again. The only difference from past occasions was that now I didn’t feel the need to match a profile, and that I was more or less interesting enough to contribute to the conversation, allowing me to meet amazing people and make great friends. 

And then Regina was Gabriella and then Paloma. And the story began again, with the slight discomfort of being in a place where I didn’t belong. This time not for the money, but for the closed minds and inhibitions I felt the people had, compared with the ones from my party days, where everything was valid and welcomed. “Little time it took me” (11 months) to shoot my shot to the music world. Applying to a school with a scene I felt my music could flourish, I would go to London during the fall. But first, I would go to Chicago to visit my friend Julia and then I would spend the summer in California. 

Although, maybe I should go back and remember how that music  occurrence came to life.