Emiliano Mancilla

New year started with Gabriella from work inviting us to her summer house. This pretty duchess that somedays made me feel like she was attracted to me. She reminded me of Regina… in a way. Although the thing I liked the most about her was her self-assurance. She was smart, charming, witty, strong, and every time she got into any place, she became automatically the main character. It was impossible for me not to fancy her.

But the thing was that Mariano wasn’t anymore Mariano, at least in his fresh presentation. I was still feeling terribly sad about Bonnie, losing all my confidence since she didn’t want to be with me, which made me gain some weight. And you never want to fall in love with someone you feel has much more value, or worst, when you believe you have no value at all.

The though of liking her so much and being in the office together every week made me feel like a bomb about to explode, as I felt I was lying to her every time that I didn’t tell her. And I did end up not being able to hold it anymore. We were the last ones in the office, working until late when it happened. 

“I like you a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot” And the phrase felt more like a confession than an invitation

I felt an agonizing silence, and noticed how she started blushing, and then she smiled. 

“I don’t know what to say” she said

“Don’t say anything” I replied. 

One week after, she started avoiding me, and as her magnetic personality was always attracting my other coworkers, I ended up pretty alone in an office that I liked because of the people. 

Then February began and I had a successful audition for the music school in London, which gave me a feeling of not being entirely damned. But most important, and I think what saved me from a long deep depression was dating this volunteer from the hostel. She was a pretty girl from Brasil named Adrienne, who worked as an architect but decided to take a year to travel around the world, and she would be staying one month in Mexico City. She was kind of an angel, a smile of god to the unfortunate. She had recently turned 40, which made her hesitate for a little bit when I was kissing her for the first time because of the age difference, but things went smooth after. She told me that she had been married some time ago but now was divorced, quit her job and after México she was going to the States, Asia, Europe and then back home. We had a peculiar dynamic because she didn’t know Spanish, nor English, and I didn’t know Portuguese, which meant that we had to talk in every language in order to understand each other.

 There was an interesting excitement on her side that I couldn’t understand every time we talked about me quitting the job and trying to be an artist, in my mind it was a stupid thing that my soul felt the need to do. I knew that most probably I would be an awful failure and would end up like a homeless, but her eyes emanated a glimpse of amazement as if I was doing the coolest thing in the world. 

Maybe I was, but in the end it all would be reduced to if I made it or I didn’t. 

Then she needed to continue with her trip. Which caused me a sense of happiness and admiration. And the thing was that there she was, going to places where she wouldn’t be able to communicate properly, with different cultures, different environments, and there was no sense of worry. Pure determination, just as I like.

The day she left, there was a bbq at the flat of one of my friends from the office. Everyone was invited, Gabriela was still avoiding me and I ended up trying to join any conversation I could get. I stayed the night there, sleeping in the couch, and when I woke up I was just a ghost. I wasn’t either a clerk nor a musician, I was just corpse, just a name on a list, nothing indispensable. And even when I knew that my coworkers where great people, and were always treating me well, I just felt like I was not matching with them or anyone. 

That grieving feeling of growing up and not being understood, accompanied of the sinister wondering if it could change in the future. The sense of confusion about not knowing if you have been taking the right steps, and which path to take.