Emiliano Mancilla

Was I even real?

Things turned worse and busier than ever during the next weeks, the area monitoring my billing hours in the company said that I needed more accounts, and in a blink of an eye, from 3 accounts I ended up with 5, that were from either California, Chicago or Boston, which meant that I had 3 different timezones that made me either start earlier of finish later. 

Apart from that, the easy thing was the audition, now I had to complete all the paperwork in order to get the visa, including an IELTS test, tedious official translations of my academic degree made by an official authority in a specific area that only opened during my working hours, and most importantly, getting all the money in my account in order to prove financial solvency, where I felt like an entrepreneur giving speeches to my dear FFF. 

I was not having any fun at the hostel, I couldn’t hang out with anyone as I was always sitting, working on my computer until late hours, which was horrendous as I could hear how everyone was having fun at the terrace, and could see them leaving without me to the club once everyone was drunk.

Furthermore, the visits to the office suddenly felt different. I knew that unless my visa got rejected I would be leaving all my friends and would become a ghost. I wasn’t even sure if there would be a glimpse of a memory about me. And by knowing that I would be gone, some thoughts appeared.

Was I even real?

I was just a corpse with expiration date wandering through conversations, nodding to future plans that I wouldn’t be part of.

One of the things that depressed me the most was Gabriella, because before falling in love with her, she was one of my best friends at the office, and once I let her know my feelings I started fading. It seemed so easy for her to throw me away that it made me question my relation with everyone else. Maybe I thought I was more important than what I really was.

My grandma celebrated every Sunday I saw her, always telling everyone how much I loved her and how good I treated her. There would be no more Sundays soon… probably there would be no more grandma.

I remembered how much I cried the day I was playing with my cat, and after years of joyful games, he decided he couldn’t run anymore and opted to walk for the rest of his days. Probably there would be no cat on my way back.

But I couldn’t enjoy my melancholy because of the gigantic amount of tasks I had to do. I became just a being making an effort to keep it cool, controlling my emotions in order to do what I had to do. I was holding so many things in my head, yet I didn’t felt I was about to explode, I was just feeling tired and my humor wasn’t top noir.

Now, a text written by Mariano from the past.

I haven’t left the bathroom for almost 2 days, and the first thing it occurs to me to drink just when I’m starting to feel better is some hot cocoa. I’m not sure if it is the wonderful attraction of self-destruction or simply stupidity.

I’ve been with so many things to do and so many things to store in my head lately, and naturally they developed in an important amount of stress and a significant amount of anxiety. 

The consequences of this situation have been the ending of good habits and the beginning of bad ones. The ending of challenging workouts and the beginning of impulsive eating as an example. 

Nevertheless, the latest thing that caught my attention was seeing myself getting horny out of pure stress. I remember Matthew McConaughey’s character in the Wolf of Wall street, talking about  having to masturbate at least twice a day because they had to handle so much information that made them eventually in need of a reset.

And I wasn’t aware I could fall into that need until I was watching a movie with some neighbors and ended up alone with Rose. This lady that was staying in for some weeks in México. Not sure if she was just on vacation, was escaping from her city or was just making all those cliché trips to find herself. Rose had a daughter my age I was told,  I wasn’t much attracted to her and never had a meaningful conversation.

I was still working, midnight and still with the fucking computer in my lap, doing stuff that I knew I wouldn’t finish any time soon, just trying to convince myself that I had done the necessary to make it to the meeting with at least something to say, something to demonstrate I was a good clerk. 

But as I started working at 9 am, as soon as could feel a glimpse of satisfaction I closed my computer and put it in my bag. 

I just wanted to rest, Rose was still there with the blanket everyone was using while watching the movie. 

I didn’t say a thing, just took the blanket, got inside and lied down on the couch making Rose to lie down behind me. 

“Ohh I love cuddles” Rose said 

I was so tired, yet so stressed that I was still being awake, watching the movie which comically was about this guy who married an older woman so he could live out of her fortune. 

And then as I was watching I felt how Rose was grabbing me firmly, how she reciprocated when I played with her hands, and then my other head woke up. I began asking me whether or not should I do it as I was feeling her hands grabbing me strongly, being more playful. My heart starting pumping so loud I felt the vibrations like earthquakes until I couldn’t resist, turned around and kissed her. She was expecting the same. 

And we made out for a long time, but there wasn’t any possibility to go to either to my or her room as our roomies where in there. I had her in her panties, she stoped me, I sat and immediately she was above me rubbing herself against my cock while I was liberating her breasts. 

But she didn’t let me in because she didn’t want to do it in the couch, although she kept rubbing and rubbing until I stood up and lift her and said. 

“I need to have you” 

And took her to the bathroom 

We keep kissing, she grabbed my cock and started manipulating it but said, “Not today, I’m on my period” 

Bummer.

The thing was that I was so stressed to be a complete gentleman and say it was okay and stop everything, but was gentleman enough to put my hand in her nape and gently guide it to my loins. And she went all the way and she really made an effort, close to some POV videos I had seen. Naturally there were some parts where the gag reflexes were present, but it made me appreciate the dedication. 

I finished, we said goodbye and a sense on repent started growing in my head, fortunately I was exhausted enough to ignore it.