Emiliano Mancilla

I left her with Mendez, took the money and went home. 

Opened the door of my dark, dusty apartment and headed to the kitchen, there wasn’t anything edible in the fridge, however I managed to find some old bread and a sticky bottle of strawberry jam. Once finished my silent, ethereal dinner, I watched some stand up specials until I fell asleep. 

Since then, I started doing something that I never did, I started to think.

The days have felt like a dense mist, with these crashes where a singular earth spin relates to 6 eternities in hell but altogether won’t last more than a whistle. I stopped drinking given that I never felt as weak as I feel now, moreover, I began to feel empty. Sitting in this chair, holding my glass half filled with water, looking at an empty wall have not helped at all, I must say everything feels half-real. 

The next tasks given to me, got me in lots of trouble, it seems like I lost my touch, I cannot concentrate since all the possible outputs my mind can model get into my sight every time I need to act, provoking me to end up giving up or making a costly mistake. At least my past works helped me to keep my head, but what now?

I’m just a useless object. 

And worse than that, now that my thoughts are flowing, I’m realizing that when I am useful, I’m just a tool, I wake up, make my contractor get the things they want, then I vanish, I’m just a secondary character. I don’t have a family, friends, nothing, they never seemed necessary once my parents left. They say ignorance is bless, and they might be right, my solitude never felt like a trouble… until now, I guess.

Her shadow is still dancing on the walls, moving from side to side, attracting my attention, suggesting my shadow to join the party. The warmth ghost of her breath pets my ears and my neck while her scared eyes fill my mind with guilt and regret. This could have been my only chance to have a life and I didn’t get the patterns on time. 

We could have left the country, no one was monitoring me, she wanted to go, and I felt genuinely happy next to her (now that I remember), at the moment it just felt like a good sensation, one of those temporary generic moments, how wrong was my dumb head. 

 Can I redeem/mend my mistake? Is there a way to get her back? 

The problem is that when I had the balls, I didn’t have the brains, and now that I have the brains, I don’t have the balls. 

Congratulations jackass, I’m in a position where there’re no winning chances, I have to steal again the girl from the dude that paid me to steal her in the first place, she has to first forgive me, then still be willing to be with me and we have to scape far away from the two gangs and make sure the father knows she’s safe and sound. 

And the questions float, there’s no way I can win. 

How could I manage to get closer to her if the capo didn’t trust me anymore?

How could I fool everyone and take her if I’m not functioning properly?

How could she forgive me?

Why should she trust me?

Why would she want to be with me?

And what would be the meaning in keeping me alive then? I’m broken, just another burden to society. 

There would be no difference if I take this rope, roll it around my neck, jump, and make everything go away.